According to Vollmann, you can say something along the lines of, "I don't know if you feel like talking about your dad right now. If you want to talk about him we can, or we can totally talk about something else.
This simple and straightforward sentence is often the best because you're not trying to give solutions or offer unsolicited advice, you're just addressing the fact. Be willing to listen or simply keep them company. Let them know that they can be vulnerable with you and your door is always open. According to Vollmann, those who are grieving can often feel that people are hesitant to talk about the deceased, but it can be comforting to have space where their loved one is remembered.
It's okay to acknowledge that you don't know exactly how it is to be in their shoes, but you're still there for them for anything they might need.
Even if you've experienced grief before in your life, everyone grieves differently and every relationship is unique, so you never actually know how someone else feels. So the best thing to do is just to be there for your grieving loved one" says Bradshaw. Let the grieving person express their emotions without judgment or criticism. If they don't feel like talking, you can squeeze their hand or offer a hug.
If the tears come, remember that you didn't make them sad — you simply gave them a safe space to express it, says Vollmann. Knowing the right thing to say doesn't come naturally, especially when the topics of death and grief are always avoided, so it's important to know which empty remarks are generally unhelpful. There are varying meanings of death among different belief systems. Unless you're certain that they share your faith in what happens after death, don't force it on them as it will not be comforting.
Telling them that their loved one is in a better place suggests that they should be happy for the deceased and accept the loss," says Vollmann. Don't suggest that a terrible and painful tragedy deserved to happen to them.
They are probably coping with many agonizing feelings and it is doubtful that they want to feel grateful," says Vollmann. Grieving lasts a long, long time and there's no getting over it, says Bradshaw. Their loss will continue to be meaningful to them over time, and telling them to move on or cheer up will only invalidate their grief.
Just because grieving people can find solace in the structure of a "normal" day doesn't mean that the pain of the loss isn't there. They might unload a lot of feelings one day but want to talk about other things the next," says Vollmann. Just do it. So just say something. The feeling that someone cares about you and your pain can be so comforting. I had people I barely knew express sympathy, and it definitely really helped.
I tend to still reach out to them, but quickly afterwards back off. Is it? I approve. Postcards, formal bereavement letters, emails, WhatsApp pings, texts and Facebook messages. Vouchers for yoga classes and theatre tickets from a group of old schoolmates who wanted to cheer my whole family up.
My aunt moved in with us, memorized how we all take tea and coffee, made every single meal for us and, one evening, dragged lamps from all around the house into the bathroom so I could bathe in more luxurious lighting.
But if there was any good intention there, whatever it was, I appreciated it. If they do initiate a conversation, make space for their words without necessarily feeling the need to interject. Without any magical thing to say to make it all better, just give them the space to express themselves and feel heard. I personally found comfort in others agreeing that things were shit.
I personally felt very isolated being 24 and not knowing anyone else going through the same thing. At a ripened 31 now, this has changed quite a bit, and I gain a lot from talking to other members of the Dead Dads Club.
Linking members to any community like this could be hugely helpful. Being sad is lonely. The London streets outside were a mash-up of fireworks, cheering and loud gales of laughter following the popping of bottles and smashing of glasses — all while I lay in a ward bed wondering if my father would make it through the night. All night long, I received messages from close friends and family — most crazily drunk, a few probably high, all just lovely.
Knowing the world goes on despite your pain can feel alienating, but voices from the outside reminding you that they care, is the technological equivalent of having your hand held through it all. My mother found comfort in an SOS system some of her girlfriends set up for her. She said she never used it, but slept better knowing that she could. Beautiful, luxurious body oils and perfumes became incredibly important.
A cocoon, an armour, a bubble? Who knows, but it helped in that moment. Your grieving friend will probably have something similar if you ask. Make a note of landmarks — anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Grief seems more raw on these days and your friend may need extra support.
How to live and learn from great loss. Read more. Tips from widows — a guide to getting through the grief. Topics Family How to Bereavement features. Reuse this content.
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