Remember what Jesus said. If your spouse is "in love" with someone else, I guarantee the lip-service they give you about loving you -- is just that, "lip service". Don't believe the lies, and get and stay angry -- until you see real changes! It's never too late to "feel" your feelings.
Forgive, but not until it is "real". Give your unforgiveness to God, and tell Him what you are doing. I guarantee, if you are being encouraged to look at your "fault" in your spouse's adultery, you are setting yourself up for a prolonged amount of pain. Clean the temple of your marriage! I agree with you on all of it and I have had almost 4 years now to accept my husbands 35 years of betrayals He has not done anything to really better himself, so how can I believe that nonsense You sound like a very intelligent person!
What you said does. It is true that I am not perfect, I know that and I never expected my husband to be perfect. In fact, I saw his flaws and accepted them. I apologized when I saw my fault and advocated for date night, counseling, vacations together; he criticized me, refused all of the above and had secret sex with other women for 33 years before I found out. They both chose each other.
This is the second time around my husband had an emotional affair with her. He knew what he was doing and so did she. Apparently the first attachment was never severed and it made it easy to re-attach to each other when he moved into her building at work.
What's to keep it from being a third time? If they want to do it, they will and there is nothing I can do about it. Except leave and divorce. If I stay with him, I will always - until my dying day -be hypervigilant and suspicious and untrusting. I am no longer the same person I was. Many of these reasons are things my husband has shared.
I already understand why though I'll never agree it was right but what I struggle with and I hope an article is written about this one day is how does the betrayed spouse get over the pain. I have no anger anymore, no resentment, no bitterness. That's all gone, I have forgiven it's been five years since my husband gave me the I love you but I'm not in love with you talk and refused to work on the marriage and left continuing his affair after moving out and into his own apartment.
I'm also very disappointed about how little my husband works on the marriage. Everything we have grown past and done to mend things is because I initiated it or I read it, or I looked it up. He's willing to go along with whatever I propose but drops off from continuing it soon after the initial talk or event.
I still to this day have never felt he tried to "win me back" and it hurts. I never used to look at my husband through flawed eyes but I do now almost every day. I sometimes think I would have been better off moving on from where things were.
He told me he thought I didn't love him anymore. We had drifted and he was horrible towards me. It got to the stage where we were just living in the same house but not together emotionally.
I can understand why it happened but I don't understand how he could do it to me without giving my feelings a second thought. The AP is married too. She finished the affair before I "accidentally" found out. What I also find hard to comprehend is how they could still work together knowing all the hurt they've caused but I guess it's easy for her as her husband still does not know what she did.
What's the chance of it happening again? My husband was a heart patient on a pacer, and yet he drank, socialise in the clubs and pubs and met her, who showered so much attention to him.
He was successful in business so perhaps he felt entitled to have a fun on the sideline and LIVE. She was 30 years junior to him, only 5 years older than our first born.
She was born in the year we got married. So can you imagine the pain as we celebrate our wedding anniversary. It happened 6 years ago, discovery 4 yrs ago, and I still not healed. Everyday I am reminded how they spent their rendezvous for 2 years until she tells on him. He did not come forward so I presume he was sorry it ended. I am existing going through each day, on my own. My spouse was almost bi-polar in his behaviour toward me. Swinging from "your the most beautiful thing I wake up to every morning" to nasty "you don't know anything" and abusive.
I was everything and nothing all at once. Now nearly 3 years out and I don't know if I'LOL ever believe anything that's comes out of his mouth. Finally he has started individual and couples counselling. It was that or I was done. No gratitude and no empathy. The couples counsellor asked in a safe way if he thought he was psychopathic. Apparently he can feel empathy for everyone else except me and sometimes our children. I think a lot is part of his personality disorder.
Yet to discover what that is. But I am tired no exhausted I mean really at 47 you should have some of your H ni together. I just want him to adult and stop blaming everyone and everything else for his issues.
Things will never be the same and I won't ever trust him again. Sad but true. Life goes on. I learnt pretty early on he was less then what he presented but I just loved him anyways. Very little in return there I've now found out. My compassion and unconditional love was rewarded with a fraud. A well hidden counterfeit. Not sure why he wants to stay but he does. You talk about new beginnings but very few people can make something out of so much destruction and trauma.
It's like my son who broke his neck at 19yrs old and is a C4 quadriplegic. He's still my son but physically broken and has had to learn new ways to live. May the Lord bless us to get through these terrible experiences. My husband confessed five months ago that he had been unfaithful for the past 6 yrs and had been seeing a woman for 2 yrs out of the 6.
Of course I wanted to know why especially when I saw three of their pictures in his phone talk about down grading.
My husband told me he wasn't attracted to me, he wasn't happy and he thought we were eventually going to get a divorce. Which I thought was a bunch of malarkey because he always seemed happy never left any clues and when did have explosive arguments where I wanted out he would always convince me to stay. The one thing I'm having trouble with is now he's always over the top happy calling me through out the entire day face timing for 2 hours at times.
My husband says that I have changed for the better I am 42 yrs old I seriously doubt that I changed, I tell him maybe because he doesn't have a distraction and is able to focus on me only.
This is definitely hard and taking one day at a time. My husband and the other woman reconnected on a school facebook page. He was her teacher, and I later realized, she had a teacher crush and he thought she was cute. He taught fresh out of college so he was only 6 years older than her. She was married, so he needed to hire her to be able to lure her into an affair.
Her poor husband thought she got a job and she was traveling all over with "her boss". I've worked through everything as to why they connected and how they stayed connected. My husband relied on his justifications stemming from my trauma, which was from his ongoing pornography, deceit, indifference, unwillingness, etc The minute he connected with her, I felt it in my soul. I began experiencing the escalating trauma even before the truth surfaced. I cycled in and out of depression which then led me to getting help.
Now I see how unhealthy they both were and are, emotionally and spiritually, and why they stayed connected through divorce unto remarriage. Some people don't ever want to change, they just want a change. My experience. Society gives the message that men are in charge, women are to respond by being submissive, accepting and loyal to our men. Women, on the other hand, are judged more severely by society for similar behavior.
Isn't this societal attitude of women as second class citizens another reason? Yes women have affairs too, but not at the rate that men do.
Are their any faithful men out there? Signed, 'Feeling Hopeless'. While sometimes that might be true, sometimes the betrayed is showing up, doing their best, and giving their all to the marriage and the unfaithful is just too emotionally unhealthy to do the same. They can be looking for the missing in themselves and not their partner.
Sometimes no matter how much is given, it's not enough, and the wayward spouse may be more than happy to shift all the blame onto the faithful one. I understand your position because I have held exactly the same feelings that you are expressing.
Thanks for making this clarification for those of us who are struggling through these issues and running into this "blame the faithful one" game. Glad you are not beating yourself up. I have stopped too but it took a while. I appreciate the list of reasons or excuses, depending on perspective, but it is missing a big one.. I agree. However, sometimes it is the adulterer that is withholding from the spouse. It is not always the betrayed spouse who is not willing to have sex.
I have a much higher libido than my husband, yet I didn't want to have an affair. He wanted to have an affair, just because he wanted "strange". I chuckled to myself as I read Perkys remarks. Infuriatingly dehumanized as I felt, when I too heard those words from my spouse as one of his various reasons excuses for his most recent affair.
I just can't fathom another human being as able to place an insignificant perception to an accountable action, knowingly to be with sinister outcomes. Can there really be anymore out there?
So if there is such a mismatch of sexual needs, and that is what you want to base your whole relationship on, then maybe the answer is not an affair but a divorce and the freedom to seek what you so desperately need. To cause such unbelievable hurt and disrespect for your spouse because of your own desires is so incredibly selfish and self serving. Why drag them through hell just to get your own moment of pleasure with someone you deem more of whatever you can rationalize to have your deceitful sex with?
I agree sex is a big part of the affair.. My WS was a terrible lover very selfish only thought about himself and getting off. He watched so much porn that I believe he thought that was how it was in real world.
She also eluded to the fact that she was in love with him after only knowing him for a month and a half. Come to find out she was sneaking around with him while I was at home taking care of the kids.
We have been separated now for a little over two months because she wants a divorce. She acts like a completely different person. She has shown some remorse and guilt. Sometimes I feel so lost. My husband has been having an affair since May. We separated a few months ago. We are in the process of divorcing and in the little communication we have, he simply says we must move forward.
I believe my husband is having a massive midlife crisis. I know his infidelity is due to his own insecurities and it had nothing to do with me. I guess my question is, have you heard of situations like mine where a husband gives up everything with no care in the world, completely abandon his wife… Do they ever regret the affair down the road? I did send you an email a few weeks ago with some more thoughts. It is actually very common once the affair fog lifts and they see their affair partner in everyday real life.
They usually come to realize every person has faults and they just traded one for another. Take care of you right now. This is about him, not you. I accidentally found out about the girlfriend the end of October, I hate that she is the messenger. Today, he signed the listing agreement for our house. I had to initiate this because he is paying no bills.
He is probably still buried in a fog or ego. Typical story of enjoying our simple, fun life one week and the Discovery Day the next. All you can do now is work on you and take care of yourself and your daughter. The secretive nature of the relationship lends itself to being surprisingly open and forthcoming with the affair partner because there is little risk.
You know that if things go bad, you can leave. But if things go well, you get what you want. That freedom of being your true self is what needs to happen in your marriage… the union that God put together.
Just like any addiction, breaking the habit is difficult and you will experience withdrawal. There is a void in your life. In fact, it can reset the clock on healing for the marriage. Even though it will be difficult, share your feelings with your spouse as you go through this time and work through them together. Why should you have to give up what makes you happy?
Maybe you think you met your soulmate or that you married the wrong person and you deserve better. Or even worse, you think you can just continue with the affair and live multiple lives. There is no way to justify it. This is a tough one to admit, especially to your spouse.
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